Howie Mandel is kinda hot*

Wow, from all of the messages that I've gotten while I was away from blogland (zero) I can tell that people have really missed my words. Oh well. So I haven't gotten much time on the computer to post my thoughts on the happenings of the world. Football has started again, so maybe I'll have some time. I seem to be at a loss for words right now. I know that there have been plenty of things that have swirled through my mind the last couple of months that I could have posted about. I suppose that the most important thing is that Baby G just turned one a couple weeks ago. P&B started another year of school... B in kindergarten and P in 2nd grade. My, they just grow up so fast, don't they? I suppose that I have lots of wishes these days. Wish I had a different job. Wish I lived somewhere else. Wish I had a new house. Wish I had a new car. Wish I could just win the mega millions. Wish I could afford the buck to even play the mega millions.

Speaking of bucks. Took Baby G to Chase this morning to open a savings account for him. The ladies there were chatting with me about this and that... if I had a Chase credit card, if I had a Chase mortgage. You know, pushing their services like good employees do... (sidenote about the kid working the register at McDonald's... apparently, for every 30 pies each person sells, they get a free meal... I thought all fast food workers got to eat for free... what's the dealy-yo?) Anyhooters... so I was talking mortgages with the ladies at Chase and I was mentioning how I've got about $80k left on my current mortgage, but my interest rate is at 7.125%. Yes, most people would jump on the refi bandwagon... but I don't want to have to pay anything to get another mortgage. (I did get one lady to look up that if I refinanced at 5% for 30 years, then my new payment would be about $429, a $200 per month savings from my current mortgage.) You know what I want? I want Wells Fargo to send me a lovely letter about how thankful they are that I've been paying my mortgage on time every month for the last nine years and they are showing their appreciation to me by knocking a few percentage points off of my interest. That would be nice. I'm not getting any government money for buying a new house or bailing me out before a foreclosure. I'm just asking for a little fucking appreciation from somebody. Guess it's too much to ask. Guess Wells Fargo ain't the right place to seek my appreciation anyway. Guess I'll just have to go drown my sorrows in my appreciation for Target.

*I'm just sayin'.

Song of the Day

Touch Your Woman
By Dolly Parton

We can't always both be right
We sometimes disagree
But you've got the right to speak your mind
An' it's the same with me
When the anger's at an end
And you want inside my arms again
All you have to do to make it right is just

Touch your woman
Touch your woman
Everything's gonna be alright
Touch your woman
Touch your woman
Let me know, let me know everything's alright

There are times when I should be strong
When I'm awfully weak
When the sudden blows of life have brought me to my knees
Woman needs a helpin' hand
Needs someone to understand
Needs the man she loves to help her stand, so

Touch your woman
Touch your woman
Everything's gonna be alright
Touch your woman
Touch your woman
Let me know, let me know everything's alright

And when the busy day is done
You lay by my side
You know exactly what it takes to keep me satisfied
You know exactly what I need and I always go to sleep in peace
Thanking God that you belong to me, so

Touch your woman
Touch your woman
Everything's gonna be alright
Touch your woman
Touch your woman
Let me know, let me know everything's alright

That's so gay!!!

Apparently all of our actors need to be straight these days. That's the only way they're ever going to be convincing. Not sure exactly how I feel about the recent Newsweek article about how gay actors cannot play straight, but straight actors can play gay. I see what the author is trying to say, he just goes about it in the wrong way. Like he's making personal attacks against certain gay actors. Frankly, if an actor is good, then we can see him in whatever roll he plays. Gay playing straight, straight playing gay. I love me some NPH on "How I Met Your Mother" and sometimes I do think about him being gay, but he plays the character well so the whole "gay thing" just goes out the window. I seem to also be bringing Rosie O'Donnell to mind. Classically lez. But I think about some of the rolls that she played back before "the general public" realized that she was gay. She played a straighty in "Sleepless in Seattle" but it wasn't a big deal because it was a small part. But it didn't matter that she was gay because, really, in the way she's played some of her characters, you just see an "everywoman" in her. I could see Rosie playing me in the story of my life. Because it's just about people playing people experiencing life. Sean Hayes being criticized for playing straight really isn't about him being gay. It's about casting the wrong actor for the part. Maybe not. I haven't seen his most recent work. Recently watched "The Bucket List" and Sean Hayes was in that. His character wasn't identified as having any sexuality at all, but I would have been able to see it either way. He was just funny and that's really all that matters in the end.

(*The title of this post is a link to the article...*)

Those are boogers on his nose....

I guess this is what goes on while I'm at work, eh?

Only 8 months old and already trying to escape from the prison that confines him. Fail!

Good-Bye Kidneys!

This morning was another one of those where I wake up with a massive headache that I just can't get rid of. I like to take three ibuprofens at a time (that's how I roll), so I took three before leaving for work. I took three more once I got to work. My head was still pounding when I went to lunch, so I decided to change things up a bit and I took two extra strength acetaminophen. I'm feeling okay now, but I can't be the only one out there who thinks that headaches should just go away with the first dose. I do notice that I furrow my brows a lot. Either while I'm at work and reading something on the computer, or while I'm driving in the car, with my super-cool sunglasses on. Suppose I should figure out a way to stop doing that. I guess I have just become addicted or something. A number of years ago, back during my teenage years I suppose, I first saw Botox on a daytime talk show. It was being touted as a new remedy for migraines and the like. I thought that might be pretty cool. Then, all of a sudden, Botox was all the rage for getting rid of wrinkles. Doesn't Botox cost, like, $600 a month or something? I don't know if it would work for my headaches, but I figure that it costs me a lot less money to sustain myself on a diet of pills then to get shot up with the botulism. Although, I would like to be able to get it just once around my hairline and the back of my neck, just to see if it works... and to see if I look 29 again....

This Caffeine-Free Diet Coke is eating my insides!

I'm grossed out. I can't help but think "EW!" when I hear that Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz ("Bones" / "Angel") shared a whore. Where do we find these people? And, I hear that this particular whore got a $10 million payday from Tiger Woods. All she did was have an affair with him. Does this turn her into a prostitute for taking money from him for sex? Give credit to Charlie Sheen where credit is due. Pay the whores up front and they'll take less of your money. Why do guys insist on being douche-nozzles? Give it up guys. You're not as smart as you think you are. You are going to get caught. You are going to catch a whole lot of shit for doing stupid things. You should spend any "extra" minutes you have sitting on the couch, watching TV, wishing that "LOST" wasn't coming to an end so damn soon....

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO EVERYONE!

He Makes My Lady Parts Beep...

So, if I were the type of gal who liked to "LOL" then this guy would definitely do the trick. We've all seen photos of really bad tattoos... many of us even HAVE tattoos that were inked during less than stellar moments in our lives. On my left arm, I have a tattoo of a Chinese character that supposedly means "pure." To contradict that, I'm thinking of postponing my inevitable tramp stamp in favor of a tat above my vag that reads "DUDES DIG IT!!!!"

Bitch, Please!

I just got last year's performance review from my manager (electronically, of course) and it looks like I scored a 2.2 out of 5 for 2009, which translates to "Falls short of expectations"... For 2008 I got a 2.8 out of 5 for a rating of "Solid performer." Guess me being TOTALLY EFFIN' AWESOME means nothing to anybody who rates me. No credit for taking on extra work because everybody else quit. No credit for maintaining good working relationships with the other folks here, and having them tell me that I'm the best administrative assistant they've ever worked with. Maybe I'm just falling short of the expectations that I would have taken over the world by now? You know, aside from the fact that I am not yet old enough to even be President of the United States... whatevers. It all just deserves a "BITCH, PLEASE!!!"

My Chick Bad

I've been reading on the internets (TMZ is my most reliable news source) that Jesse James' "Mistress #2" has written a letter to Sandra Bullock, offering an apology and even suggesting that they have a face-to-face meeting. Now this girl is catching a lot of shit for having the balls to even suggest such a thing. I think it's commendable. Maybe it doesn't sound like it's all that "smart" but neither is entering into a sexual relationship with a married man. I'm just sayin'. I'm just giving this girl a little bit of props for even bothering to apologize. Slut #1 brought it all out and is cashing in without the apology. Haven't heard Jesse say he's sorry, but it looks like it's too late for him. But why bother with the apology really, the "apology" from Tiger Woods sucked. He makes his money from golf and Nike, can't expect him to be able to act like he's sincere or regretful. But what I really am thinking with these two guys is "WHAT THE FRENCH???" Seriously, these guys have a lot of money. The whores that they were sleeping with are not attractive. Even if they are not good-looking themselves, they could certainly afford a whore who is. Not only that, but there are women out there who can keep your secret. So, you guys chose ugly women who can't keep their mouths shut. Well, that's why you chose them in the first place, am I right? Sandra and Elin are both better served just cutting their losses. Or cutting their losers.

**BREAKING NEWS!!!**

Apparently, Sandra Bullock has filed for divorce. No surprise there. We could have guessed that when we saw Jesse James spring himself from rehab. No point in going to rehab to better yourself when you're not going to get what you want out of it, right? I think that we were all blind-sided (pun intended, ha!) when ol' Sandy said that she has adopted a baby. Huh? Didn't see that one coming. She did a good job of hiding that little sucker. Props. And it sounds like she's going to have a civil disembarkment of her marriage and future relationship with Jesse. Glad to hear it.

Come again?

WEEKEND RECAP AKA “My weekend was going good, until…”

Friday evening:

Came home from work and was told that “the kids” wanted to go have dinner at the Clubhouse. The Blue Heron Restaurant here in YLP. I’m usually a little burned out on Friday nights, but the place is only two minutes away, so I figured I could handle it. It’s kind of a “redneck bougie” type of place, so some people go there for a romantical dinner, and others of us roll in wearing our jeans and t-shirts. The kids were a little restless waiting for dinner to arrive, but they were acting alright. Near the end of dinner, I turned to find an old lady in my face and she asked, “Are your kids always this well behaved?” I said “No.” Then I laughed in her face. She said, “Well, I’m impressed.” And that was that. Score a victory for us.

Saturday:

Got up at 6:00, as I do during the weekdays, so I could get everyone ready for our trip out of town to Santa Cruz for the day. We were on the road by 7:45 so I was thinking that we were doing pretty good. We were stopped at a light in Madera when we spotted a car show. Not just any car show… but a “Pontiac Car Show.” How exciting is that? Can you feel it??? Never thought that I’d see such a congregation of white folks in Madera. I’m just sayin’. So, if the rest of the day didn’t go well, we know that at least ONE of us would be happy with the day. We continued on to Santa Cruz and enjoyed our day, frolicking in the sun…doing too much walking… seeing old friends and family, then had a lovely dinner at Aqua Blue in downtown Santa Cruz. Reasonably priced… I had the yellow curry. Wasn’t sure what to expect, but I rolled with it… after all, it’s “vacation” right? Turns out that the curry is mostly squashes. I’m guessing zucchini. Fine, whatever. The curry was spicy enough that I didn’t taste the vegetables anyway, so I’d still qualify it as good! Score one for me. Mothers of the world, rejoice!

Then we got on the road towards home. I took my shoes off so I could relax in the passenger seat for a few hours. Usually I can’t relax when I’m not driving, because I don’t fully trust the guy doing the driving. Stopped in Los Banos to fill up the gas tank… and the Slurpee tank. Proceeded out of town… when what should appear in the rearview mirror? Red and Blue lights. Sweet. We pulled over and the “officer” walked up to the car and shined his flashlight in. He said that he clocked us going 83 out of town. Frankly, when leaving Los Banos, 83 is not nearly fast enough. Handed him the registration and insurance info (all current, duh) and he said that we need to drive slower when carrying “precious cargo” in the back. He said that “as an officer” he never goes more than 5 miles per hour over the speed limit when he has his “precious cargo” in the car with him. Thanks for the advice. But, bonus for me… being pulled over allowed me to take over the driving duties the rest of the way home. No ticket…barely even a “warning”… quickest pull-over EVER! Got home at 10:45 and got in bed… wanted to go to sleep, but we couldn’t take our eyes off of that episode of “House Hunters International”… seriously, I thought that living in London would be way more expensive.

Sunday morning:

Hoped to be able to sleep in a bit… not gonna happen. Baby child woke up early… apparently he got way more sunburned than his previously barely pink cheeks had registered the day before. The upper half of his face was dark red and he was growing blisters on his face. MY SEVEN MONTH OLD BABY HAS FUCKING BLISTERS ON HIS FACE!!! So, that sucked serious ass. Fortunately, doesn’t seem to bother him too much. He doesn’t seem to be in pain, it’s just not so lovely to look at. Note to self: Good parents put sunscreen on their children, even when they don’t expect that said children will be playing in the sun all day. Finished off the day at the in-laws place, playing with family. And watching our Netflix DVD of “2012.” Stellar movie. Just awesome. Couldn’t have figured out a better way to spend 2 hours and 38 minutes if I had tried. That John Cusack has some fucking radical driving skillz… I can tell you that!

**Forgot to mention that during what would normally be my sleepy time Sunday night, I was stung on the bottom of the foot by a scorpion. That sucked ass. Now it is three days later and I have a red bump on the bottom of my foot, and it itches! I'm making sure that I wear slip-off shoes, just in case should need to go crazytown on my foot.**

Start out slow... then ease up!

Since I have nothing to do at work most days, I decided that I, at the very least, would like to receive more e-mails. Junk mail, if you will. If I'm receving stuff on my company e-mail, and I look perplexed while reading said messages, then I figure that will make me look "busy".... My first step was to sign up for a "joke a day" e-mail. I like funny shit. This is not funny shit. But at least it clogs up my inbox when I sign in at 8:00. I also managed to sign myself up for the "recipe secrets" newsletter. You know, that guy who tries to replicate your "favorite" restaurant recipes. Not that you care, but today's secret recipe was "Sbarro Chicken Francese." (shhh... now wait until somebody says the secret recipe in casual conversation and we can all start laughing!) Anyhoots... in today's e-mail he sent out a little snippet recalling a time when one of his friends said that he always gave "100%" every week at work:

10% on Monday

20% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

10% on Friday

LOL.

(The LOL part was added by the other guy. I don't use "LOL" unless I absolutely have to, because I think it's gay. Especially when guys type it. Seriously dudes, knock it off.) So, I was thinking... "Yeah, that seems about right. Why are we always doing the bulk of the work on Wednesday?" Although, since I'm a lazy gal, I will just knock 5% off of each of these days, and I'll say that I put in a good "75%" every week. My timesheet for this week will only reflect about 9%, but my boss saw me doing a bunch of filing, and I got a high-five for it, so that should count for something. Happy Friday to you. Hope you feel like you got 10% in today. Leaves you with 0% (equivalent to jack shit) to accomplish for the weekend.

To Blog... Or Not To Blog...

So, there I was at work, being bored out of my mind. I had already spent too many hours checking out my same websites, catching up on celebrity gossip and such. Started looking at random crap, and came upon a few folks who write some blogs. I’ve heard of a few of the blogs, some I just managed to come upon after clicking around a bit. There have been a few blogs I have read where I thought that the folks writing them were quite funny, and seemed to be writing with the flair that I wish I could employ when needing to convey messages myself. I thought that maybe there was the possibility that I, too, could write myself a blog. (“So… you’re sayin’ there’s a chance…”) It probably would be just for me, since I don’t know many others who would bother with checking a random blog. But at least I have somewhere to share my musings and rants with the world. I can reach bajillions… if only I were able to dislodge this peanut from my keyboard… Damn you Reese’s NutRageous candy bar!!!!